Were You Expecting to arrive at Heal and Forgive? If so you were re-directed to my new blog.

The Heal and Forgive blog was born out of the publication of my first book, “Heal and Forgive.” I am happy that the blog has been helpful to a robust readership.

After my publisher recently went out of business the book was re-released under the title, “Mother, I Don’t Forgive You,” which is more in keeping with the premise of the book. I decided to re-title my blog along with the book.

I hope you will continue to peruse the posts and join in on the various discussions including our right as survivors to decide our own healing journey, with or without forgiveness.

The back story on the title change can be found on the post directly below:

Featured Post

Mother, I Don’t Forgive You – Why the Book and Blog Were Re-Titled

In 1992, after nearly a decade of trying desperately to forgive my mother, my life was spinning out of control.   Not only had I failed at f...

Friday, February 22, 2008

Divorcing a Parent

In 1992, after exhausting every avenue to have a relationship with my mother, I made the difficult decision to divorce her - despite resounding judgment. I was devastated when my choice resulted in the loss of my entire family of origin.

Nonetheless, I needed to separate myself from my mother, not because of my childhood abuse, but because of my continued abuse as an adult.

There is an emotional pain so severe, one cannot bear it, or live with it. It threatens your very survival.

No matter how much I loved and longed for a relationship with my mother, I couldn’t recover from my abuse as long as our relationship felt like it endangered my existence.

I believe that divorcing my mother was the only way possible to create the space required to heal and to grow the seeds of self-love, self-respect, and self-care necessary to live a healthy life.

The decision to divorce a parent is a very difficult one that should not be made lightly or in haste. If you are considering severing your relationship with a parent, I highly recommend, Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted, By Beverly Engel, MFCC

Engel’s offers a compassionate and very comprehensive guide including discussing good and bad reasons to sever a relationship, what to expect if you do decide to divorce, alternatives, coping mechanisms, and much more. I found this book invaluable on my own journey.

There are no two ways about it. Estrangement is painful. Yet, with growth comes loss, and eventually emotional strength and freedom. I used our time apart to grow in ways that would not have been possible while having a relationship with my mother. Estrangement afforded me the opportunity to heal from my abuse, and eventually to feel healthy and find some peace in my life.

Today, after a 14-year cut-off, my mother and I have reconciled. Although our reconciliation has been very healing for me, I am grateful for our time apart. I would not be in the healthy place I am today without the opportunity to love myself.

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2 comments:

  1. AngelMarch 4, 2008 at 5:06 PM

    What a great post.

    So now that you and your mother have reconciled, what about the other family members from your family of origin?

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  2. healandforgiveMarch 4, 2008 at 5:39 PM

    Thank you Angel!

    First, one of my brothers reach out to me - then I spoke with another brother. A few months later my mother called, and I began the process of reconciliation with my entire family of origin.

    It has been quite a journey!

    My best,
    Nancy

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