PTSD and Me

For me this is a very vulnerable post, but I also think it is an important one. Dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was another significant aspect of my recovery from abuse.

For many years, my PTSD went undiagnosed. I didn’t understand the origins of many powerful and terrifying feelings. Even after diagnosis, I didn’t know I was experiencing PTSD until after the symptoms went away. Learning to identify my feelings of terror and impending doom as PTSD - while I was experiencing them - helped my healing process tremendously.

During young adulthood, my PTSD episodes were extremely dramatic. They quite literally threw me back to the past – seeing before me people, places, and terrifying events from my childhood, rather than the innocuous event in the present. I remember one flashback where I instinctively leaped wildly over a porch railing, down a small embankment and landed with a thud in the soft dirt of the ground beneath.

These imaginary episodes were swift, violent, and ended as quickly as they started. They left me shaken and confused.

When I was in my thirties, although my PTSD was not as dramatic as before, it was more unnerving, harder to identify, and lasted for longer periods. A puzzling aspect to these episodes was that I no longer saw the events from the past. The incidents were in the present; yet, I unknowingly felt the events from the past. This gave me confusing messages that were not easy to decipher.

Fortunately, my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and I began the process of understanding how to cope with these episodes. My counselor told me that when we have an adult experience that unconsciously reminds us of a traumatic childhood event, we become “triggered” and terrified because of unresolved childhood feelings. This is very confusing because the “little one” in us (whose life did feel threatened) believes their survival is at stake, yet the adult is confused because they know that nothing is happening that will cause their demise. So, it sometimes felt like my survival was at stake, but I didn't know how to calm my nerves and “prevent my demise” because nothing in the present seemed to be a life threatening event. My therapist told me that when I am terrified, I should place my feet firmly on the floor, take deep breaths and really “feel” the present, while calling on images of someone safe - offering my inner child the safety she never received. I spent many years placing new comforting images on top of the old terrifying images, in essence reprogramming my sense of safety in the world.

I think the most frightening ways PTSD manifested itself at this point was in my "intimate" relationship. If I was hurt, and my partner didn't recognize my hurt, I tried frantically to get him to understand. On the adult level, I only knew that I was desperate for him to understand - on the child level, I thought I was going to die if he didn't "get it.” I would keep it up, becoming more and more frantic and agitated until I finally disassociated and never resolved the pain.

After learning to recognize this desperation as PTSD, I’d say to him, “Oh, oh, I am experiencing PTSD! It feels like I am sinking in quicksand! Please lend me a hand because I don’t think I can do this by myself. This is about me - not about you. It feels like my survival is at stake.”

At that point if he did get it - great! If he didn't, I had to leave and reassure myself that I was safe as an adult, and to work at resolving my childhood feelings.

My PTSD also presented itself in the presence of anyone who seemed to have a matriarchal role in my life. A few years ago, I went on a four-day women’s retreat with my aunt and my two daughters. The last night I went to bed feeling “on edge,” experiencing that familiar sense of “impending doom,” as if my world were coming to an end. Shaken by the unknown cause of my fear, I hoped the morning would magically bring solace.

The disappointment of waking up still terrified brought the realization that I was experiencing PTSD. But why?

As we arrived home later that day, I realized, my PTSD was caused by all the time I was spending with my aunt. I was afraid something was going to happen and that she would reject me just as my mother (grandmother, and three brothers) had. The child-me felt like she would not survive the rejection of my only remaining family member (other than my children). On the other hand, the adult me realized this had nothing to do with my aunt or the present, this was about my mother and the past.

For the most part, I did come to terms with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Occasionally, my mind still convinces me that an unimaginable disaster looms just around the corner. I can spend days living "on edge" with feelings of unknown impending doom until I "shake myself" and remember that my fear is just my companion PTSD. Usually, I recognized my feelings as PTSD right away. In either case, this realization calms my nerves and reminds me that my fear is in the past and that I am safe in the present.