Were You Expecting to arrive at Heal and Forgive? If so you were re-directed to my new blog.

The Heal and Forgive blog was born out of the publication of my first book, “Heal and Forgive.” I am happy that the blog has been helpful to a robust readership.

After my publisher recently went out of business the book was re-released under the title, “Mother, I Don’t Forgive You,” which is more in keeping with the premise of the book. I decided to re-title my blog along with the book.

I hope you will continue to peruse the posts and join in on the various discussions including our right as survivors to decide our own healing journey, with or without forgiveness.

The back story on the title change can be found on the post directly below:

Featured Post

Mother, I Don’t Forgive You – Why the Book and Blog Were Re-Titled

In 1992, after nearly a decade of trying desperately to forgive my mother, my life was spinning out of control.   Not only had I failed at f...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Hear Me!

...was my childhood plea. Help me! Listen to whats happening!

I cried out to my mother and my brothers...Hear me!..., but they told me to shut up!

I cried out to my relatives....Hear me!..., but they turned away.

I cried out to neighbors and friends...Hear me!..., but they closed their eyes and ears to the abuse.

I cried out to my childhood therapist...Hear me!..., but she didn't listen.

I cried out to God and to the Universe...Hear me!..., but if God indeed replied, I couldn't hear Him over the roar of my own internal misery.

I didn't have a voice; therefore, it felt like I had no value.

Long into adulthood, I cried out - "Hear me!"...until somebody heard.

I "hear" it all the time; people want to be heard about the trauma in their lives. Validation dissolves our isolation and moves us forward to the life we deserve!

I believe that our deepest childhood wounds are the last to be healed; mine was not being heard.

In the past 15 years I have received a great deal of validation for my childhood abuse. In that respect I feel fully heard. Yet, in some respects the old wound remains. For instance, in an intimate relationship, if we have a disagreement and I don't feel heard, my old childhood wound "hooks" me in a primal sort of desperation to be heard and I lose perspective.

This relates to my prior post (Being Right - Being Wrong - Being Confident). I want to be right about needing to being heard! After all, it makes sense; I should be heard.

What I'm learning now is that there is a difference in the right/wrong scenario between blame and responsibility. Blame is about the past. Responsibility is about the present.

I think it is appropriate to "blame" the adults in my life for my childhood abuse and not being heard. As a minor, I had no say in the matter. But, once I became an adult, I became responsible for my life, my choices, and my relationships, no matter how ill-equipped I started out my life.

I'm responsible to heal my old wounds - not anyone else. Logically, this makes good sense, but when I need to be heard, good sense often flies out the window.

I'm working at self-nurturing again to heal this old wound. I'm learning to stand confidently in my truth by listening to myself and having a dialogue with my inner child - even when someone else doesn't hear me.

This is a slow, but empowering shift......
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11 comments:

  1. mountainmamaJuly 5, 2009 at 4:07 PM

    another very relevant, helpful and healing post. thank you so much for sharing~

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  2. healandforgiveJuly 5, 2009 at 8:42 PM

    MM ~ Thank you!

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  3. mmaaggnnaaJuly 7, 2009 at 5:20 PM

    That seems to be a fairly common experience of abuse survivors . . . the feeling of not being heard. It is very relevant for me, at least. It is one of my biggest trigger points.

    Thanks for talking about this in a very clarifying manner!

    - Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
    http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/

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  4. Vicki in AzJuly 7, 2009 at 7:42 PM

    I just appreciate the way you said this so much!! I am so grateful and validated to know that you know how I feel.

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  5. healandforgiveJuly 7, 2009 at 8:04 PM

    Thank you mmaaggnnaa and Vicki !

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  6. AnonymousJuly 10, 2009 at 3:38 AM

    Again, wonderful, and as everyone else has said said thanks for sharing.

    This is proving to be one of my biggest obstacles also.

    Since meeting my husband (who I have now known for three
    years, and have been very happily married to for one), I have felt
    my plea heard. He has given me that much needed validation.
    Accepting my pain and my sorrow... and being one of the first to
    hear my cry and to really listen to it... he has given me so much.
    Including the strength to seek healing, with some understanding of the damage caused, and to hear other peoples cries and so further
    validate to me the fact that child abuse damages children! (which seems obvious when you say it, but isn't necessarily when you've suffered and have gone unheard).

    Anger is slowly turning into sorrow and for the first time
    (purely because I feel my pain and sorrow has been validated and my
    cry heard and understood (to an extent)) I feel able to cry for myself, to cry because I have suffered, and because I had so much taken from me.

    Learning to have confidence in, and to trust our own feelings is a
    big step. To accept validation when it is offered, but not to rely on it, is a part of that.
    To believe that our guiding emotions and impulses were always right, despite all that our abusers told us, is a very empowering one.

    I just need to remember the patience I learnt through suffering again now, to help me to tolerate those times when people can not, or will not, hear me.

    Thanks again,

    Ruth

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  7. mountainmamaJuly 10, 2009 at 1:03 PM

    hi healandforgive~

    actually right now i'm just going around letting people know about a wonderful post i read yesterday about inner child work. i think you read marj's site anyway, but i wanted to give a heads up too because i think it's so great! i thought you might be interested :)

    http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/07/helping-your-inner-child-help-you.html

    hope you are well!

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  8. AnonymousJuly 11, 2009 at 4:59 PM

    This is a beautiful website. I have a short cut to it on my desktop. I understand you.

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  9. healandforgiveJuly 11, 2009 at 7:45 PM

    mm~ Thanks for the heads up on Marj's inner child post. I went over and read it - it's wonderful!

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  10. healandforgiveJuly 11, 2009 at 7:46 PM

    Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you so much!

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  11. healandforgiveJuly 11, 2009 at 7:58 PM

    Dear Ruth,

    Thank you for sharing your experience and wonderful comments.

    I am so happy that you found such a wonderful man - who is will to be as Alice Miller calls it - an "enlightened witness" to your pain.

    You brought up an important point that once our trauma is validated we are able to turn the corner from anger to sorrow; to feel our pain and to mourn our losses in a healthy fashion. We can then offer ourselves all the comfort we missed as children.

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