You Don't Have to Forgive - Experts are Beginning to Agree

For decades, well-intentioned psychologists insisted that forgiveness was necessary in order to heal. Slowly over time, the field of psychology is beginning to realize that forgiveness may not always be the best choice for everyone.

When I began my healing journey the prevailing psychological, religious, and societal advice was that forgiveness was the only path to healing.  For many people like me, the pressure of premature forgiveness deeply damaged the healing process.

When I gave voice to my abuse and and my pleas were met with, "The problem with you Nancy is your not forgiving," it felt like another form of abuse.  I felt blamed and dismissed for talking about my mistreatment, rather than receiving the help that I needed.
 
Forced forgiveness is not only hurtful, the demand places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."

As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.

It wasn't until the late 1980's that a few notable experts began setting aside the notion that forgiving  was necessary:

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward

Breaking Down the Wall of Silence:  The Liberating Experience of Facing Painful Truth, by Alice Miller

Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted, by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.

Don't Forgive Too Soon: Extending the Two Hands That Heal, by Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant Linn, and Francisco Miranda

These renegade experts began making the idea of not forgiving respectable.Yet, for every expert who says forgiveness isn't always healthy, there are countless professionals and lay persons who insist that we must forgive. For that reason, I think it is important to take note when experts stress that it isn't always best to forgive.  I've compiled a list of some online articles.  You will find a quote from each article and a link to the full text below:

6 Reasons Not to Forgive, Not Yet 
 "…much of the counsel is downright offensive, suggesting that if we can’t forgive we are dwelling on the past…holding on to grudges…or poisoning ourselves with non-forgiveness.
 These assumptions and judgments not only dismiss the real pain many people suffer; they discourage intelligent analysis of the traumas many people and groups experience. Further, the attitude behind these statements can shame people, making them think that something is wrong with going through a natural process of healing after injury or betrayal where forgiveness may not be the first (or second or third) step."   Bedrick, David. "6 Reasons Not to Forgive, Not Yet." Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, 25 Sept. 2014. Web. 16 May 2017.

5 Reasons Forgiveness Does Not Work
"In today’s world, we generally seek to avoid emotions that are unpleasant, like anger and hurt. We naturally believe that we should escape “bad” feelings as soon as possible. Forgive and move on is a logical way to achieve this. However, emotions are not logical, and so this strategy does not work." Webb, Jonice, PhD. "5 Reasons Forgiveness Does Not Work." Psych Central.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 May 2017.

Why I Don't Use the Word 'Forgiveness' in Trauma Therapy 

"The people I work with in the therapy room are resilient and courageous. They are able to work through their traumas, but many get caught up on one point: They believe they are supposed to forgive the perpetrator but can’t seem to get there.

....often people struggle with this word (forgiveness), and rightfully so.  They do not want to imply what happened to them was in any way OK.  They don't want to excuse the perpetrator's behavior.  The feel the perpetrator is not deserving of forgiveness.  The worst thing I can do as a therapist is to talk people out of the way they feel.

…As soon as I say, “You don’t have to forgive,” the person usually breathes a sigh of relief." 

Pollock, Anastasia, LCMHC. "Why I Don't Use the Word 'Forgiveness' in Trauma Therapy." GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. N.p., 12 May 2017. Web. 16 May 2017.

 

When You Should and Should Not Forgive
"...some of us know from personal experience that forgiveness for a narcissistic game-player, manipulator, or inveterate liar is nothing more than catnip—a sign that what he or she did wasn’t “so bad after all,” and a prime opportunity to rationalize both their past and future behavior, too. In this case, forgiveness can be downright self-destructive;"  Streep, Peg. "When You Should and Should Not Forgive." Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, 06 Oct. 2014. Web. 16 May 2017. 

 When you Can't Forgive
"Experts urge us to forgive as quickly and fully as possible...When someone hurts you, a good apology goes a long way toward helping you forgive them. If they don’t offer one, or if it doesn't seem sincere, a key ingredient goes missing.  Permanently injured people need compassion and understanding, not education about the benefits of forgiveness." 
Gilbertson, Tina. "When You Can't Forgive." Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, 01 Mar. 2017. Web. 16 May 2017.

And, these are  articles by religious experts who warn against premature forgiveness:

Should I Offer Forgiveness Without Repentance?

"The Bible says that we are to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). God forgives us when we repent (Mark 1:15, Luke 13:3,5, Acts 3:19). He does not grant forgiveness to those of us who are stiff-necked and refuse to repent. We must recognize our sin and repent to receive and enjoy God’s merciful forgiveness. God requires repentance and so must we."    
Stevens, Allison. "Should I Offer Forgiveness Without Repentance?" Questions.org. Our Daily Bread Ministries, 15 Jan. 2014. Web. 16 May 2017.  

Honor Thy Mother and Father
"When the Bible instructs us to honor our parents (in Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:2, among other places), it's guiding us in a God-honoring direction. But these words were not written as a response to an abusive situation.There are times when the Bible provides instruction for specific situations, and times when it instructs through broad principles. It's important to be aware of this distinction."
Ortberg, Nancy. "Honor My Mother and Father?" Today's Christian Woman. Christianity Today, 01 May 2006. Web. 16 May 2017.

Forgiveness, a Personal Perspective 
"Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote that “cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance.” Repentance has remorse, restitution and regeneration. First, a genuine “I’m sorry” is required...Second, insofar as possible, an attempt must be made to restore what was destroyed. This means accepting legal, financial and moral consequences. Third, there must be renewal, a change in how the person lives. “Fruits of repentance” should show evidence that the sin will not be repeated." 
Lord, Richard P. "Forgiveness." Survivor Resources. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 May 2017.

Premature Forgiveness
"With all due respect, any expectation of forgiveness from God or from those who have been grievously harmed is premature. We await acts of repentance. Just as Jesus counsels us in Luke’s gospel, “...if your brother sins, rebuke him, and IF he repents, forgive him.” (17:3-4)
We await the rebuking of individual priests who have abused and of bishops who have stonewalled investigations and shielded abusive priests from legal action. We await the acts of a repentant church. We live in hope that you will lead the church in these acts of repentance and justice."
Fortune, Marie M., Rev. Dr. "Premature Forgiveness." Premature Forgiveness — FaithTrust Institute. FaithTrust Institute, 23 Apr. 2014. Web. 16 May 2017.