A reader recently asked me a question about a comment I made in my post: Mother, I Don't Forgive You - Why the Book and Blog were Re-Titled
I decided to write a post to answer their question, which was:
“Can you say more about this part? "Ironically,
the unintentional by-product of this healing was – eventually –
forgiveness."
It took me a long time to shun the constant pressure I received from people who
said I needed to forgive.
After years of continued pain and abuse, I decided not
to forgive and to put my own well-being first. Contrary
to what many survivors are told, we are supposed take responsibility
for ourselves first and foremost.
After I resolved to put my own healing first, I began a
spurt of emotional growth I had never dreamed possible and I basked in the safety
of my present life! To me, the choice not
to forgive was the greatest choice I had ever made! My intention was to never forgive. Even
the thought of forgiveness was repulsive to me. I didn't want to go back
to feeling bad and I never wanted to get hurt again.
Much to my shock and dismay, after about 10 years of healing
and no contact with my family, I began to have a small pang of forgiveness towards
one of my family members. This emotion left
me confused. I did not act on my
feelings in any way. Yet, as time went on, I felt more and more forgiving. Gradually, I realized that the more I healed
and loved myself, my feelings of forgiveness grew organically and unintentionally. Forgiveness was not my goal; in fact,
I avoided forgiveness like the plague,
and yet, although I didn't seek to forgive, I couldn't change or deny how I was
beginning to feel. That is where the irony comes in. I believe premature forgiveness makes healing
impossible. I wouldn’t have been able to
seek validation for my abuse, get angry, mourn, etc. if I had forgiven before hand. However, after 10 years and a great deal of healing, forgiving became
an unintentional by-product.
I still don’t believe forgiveness is necessary to better ones life. But healing
is necessary!
I would never tell anyone else they had to
forgive. I think forced forgiveness
hurts us and impedes genuine healing. Some people never
forgive. For others, like me, sometimes it takes a long time. Nobody is the same.
Everyone is entitled to their own healing journey – with or without forgiveness.
As a side note, although I began to feel forgiving, I
didn't feel safe enough to see my family. An
important part of my healing process was learning boundaries and protecting
myself. I was clear I didn't want a relationship with someone who had abused me
and never offered the three "R's": Repentance (a show of sincere
regret or remorse) Restitution (to the best of their ability return what was
taken such as my sense of safety, lack of justice, etc) and Renewal ( a change
in behavior - to live a new life that does not include abusing, blaming, scapegoating,
me or anyone else).
Many would say the three “R’s” are what is necessary
for forgiveness. I guess it depends on your definition of forgiveness.
From Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary:
If your definition is 1a) "give up resentment of," then I did forgive.
If your definition is 1b) "to grant relief from," then I didn't.
If your definition is 2)a) "cease to feel resentment of," then I did.
If your definition is 2b) "PARDON," then I didn't. I can't pardon that which is not recognized by the abuser.
Yet, no matter what, nobody should put themselves harm’s way.
From Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary:
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt> 2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON <forgive one’s enemies>
If your definition is 1a) "give up resentment of," then I did forgive.
If your definition is 1b) "to grant relief from," then I didn't.
If your definition is 2)a) "cease to feel resentment of," then I did.
If your definition is 2b) "PARDON," then I didn't. I can't pardon that which is not recognized by the abuser.
Yet, no matter what, nobody should put themselves harm’s way.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer a simple summary of the
healing process that gave me the “greatest emotional growth of my life” and kept me out of harms way.
Validation is key. We need to validate our experience
with friends, support groups, a competent therapist, or a combination of all
three. For me, each time someone validated my experience, I became stronger and
clearer about what happened to me and the effect that it had on my life.
Laura Davis, author of Allies in Healing: When the
Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, sums up the importance of
anger this way:
Anger is the backbone of healing. Most
survivors have been angry for years. Either they’ve turned it in on themselves
or lashed out at others and become abusive themselves. As a survivor heals, she
learns to direct her anger clearly and squarely at the abuser and the people
who failed to protect her. The survivor needs to find safe, empowering ways to
express her anger and let it out.
Expressing anger was a difficult lesson for me. But, once
others validated the horrors of my experiences, I was free to discharge my
anger.
Long into adulthood, I “powered” through every situation
just to survive. I never learned how to process my own pain. Undoing a lifelong
mechanism is a very difficult undertaking. In order to grieve—I needed to
“unlearn” the way I learned to ignore my agony. Then I needed to re-learn a
healthy method of expressing my sadness. It was very important for me to learn
to cry for myself and to share those tears with others. Each time I thought I
had finished mourning, another wave of heartbreaking losses emerged. However,
as I peeled away each layer of pain, I grew increasingly stronger.
PROTECTION
An important and often overlooked aspect to healing is
that of protecting ourselves. In order to heal we must be free from the anxiety
of re-injury. Depending on the type and severity of the offense, this could range
anywhere from re-evaluating a relationship, to deciding not to see someone, or
even criminal prosecution. In order to let go of the hurt, we must have
assurances that the offender will harm neither ourselves nor anyone else.
An important part of protecting ourselves is learning
to exercise clear, respectful boundaries. But, boundaries were one of
the last self-care tools I learned. For me, estrangement was the ultimate
boundary, which gave me the time to heal and learn the nuances of boundaries and
self-care.
I hope that answers the question!
Wishing everyone great healing!
I am entering this response anonymously. I had already used the broad-reaching Facebook application to announce I was divorcing my family of origin. That was my anger and my grief rolled into one. It took me years and years to "try" and forgive, without actually knowing I was being mentally abused by my sisters. And, because we are from a dysfunctional family, we weren't able to EVER sit down and discuss our childhood with an angry, ignorant father, and a mother who drank every day of my life. The rug we swept everything under was very high. At the end of my rope, and several bad relationships, I found my now husband. He and his family helped me realize my importance in this world. Finding Jesus was the main reason I am alive today. Without Him, I would have probably taken my life. Hurt hurt hurt.
ReplyDeleteThat was 2013. In 2021 my letter to my sisters was basically a goodbye letter. But, I didn't take responsibility for my part in the ending of those relationships. So, I wrote another letter. This time, not a copy and paste. Personal to each one of them (there are 3). Two of my sisters ignored me completely. The third one wrote to tell me what I should be doing with regard to my ailing 88 year old mother who has dementia. She did not mention what my letter was asking - to acknowledge the hurt and anger between us, and obtain forgiveness. I didn't actually wish for an apology. What I proved was that even when someone takes responsibility for their negative behavior, the other person doesn't always respond in kind. She also lied to me, and that just pushed me out even more.
The goal for me is complete healing, or as close as I can get to self-actualization as I can. I have so many people who support me (now), when I never did growing up. Oh, my mother met my biological needs and there was a roof over my head. We never experienced hunger or lack of shelter. She did her best, but of course, her drinking and such pulled her into herself, so there was very little time for nurturing. I still have to forgive my mother, where I've already forgiven my sisters. I am no longer interested in getting my sisters to love me. It's their loss if they don't have me in their lives. But, in order for me to stay healthy, I cannot be around them. Pain does not interest me, and I don't want to relapse into depression and end up in the hospital. I'm so done with that.
Whatever you (or I) need to do to stay healthy, we need to prioritize it into our lives. We are only given one life, but many second chances. We are survivors.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. I am grateful you found your husband and his family to help you receive some of the basics you should have received as a child.
I find it is often only one "child" in the family who decides to confront the abuse and choose a healthier life; which makes for a lonely, but powerful journey.
Kudos to you for your strength, hard work, and progress.
Stay strong on your continued healing journey!
Warmly,
Nancy