For decades, well-intentioned psychologists insisted that forgiveness was necessary in order to heal. Slowly over time, the field of psychology is beginning to realize that forgiveness may not always be the best choice for everyone.
When I began my healing journey the prevailing psychological,
religious, and societal advice was that forgiveness was the only path to healing. For many people like me, the pressure of premature forgiveness deeply damaged the healing process.
When I gave voice to my abuse and and my pleas were met with, "The problem with you Nancy is your not forgiving," it felt like another form of abuse. I felt blamed and dismissed for talking about my mistreatment, rather than receiving the help that I needed.
Forced forgiveness is not only hurtful, the demand places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."
As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.
When I gave voice to my abuse and and my pleas were met with, "The problem with you Nancy is your not forgiving," it felt like another form of abuse. I felt blamed and dismissed for talking about my mistreatment, rather than receiving the help that I needed.
Forced forgiveness is not only hurtful, the demand places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."
As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.
It wasn't until the late 1980's that a few notable experts began setting aside the notion that forgiving was necessary:
