You Don't Have to Forgive - Experts are Beginning to Agree

For decades, well-intentioned psychologists insisted that forgiveness was necessary in order to heal. Slowly over time, the field of psychology is beginning to realize that forgiveness may not always be the best choice for everyone.

When I began my healing journey the prevailing psychological, religious, and societal advice was that forgiveness was the only path to healing.  For many people like me, the pressure of premature forgiveness deeply damaged the healing process.

When I gave voice to my abuse and and my pleas were met with, "The problem with you Nancy is your not forgiving," it felt like another form of abuse.  I felt blamed and dismissed for talking about my mistreatment, rather than receiving the help that I needed.
 
Forced forgiveness is not only hurtful, the demand places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."

As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.

It wasn't until the late 1980's that a few notable experts began setting aside the notion that forgiving  was necessary:

The Shack

Popular stories of "instant" forgiveness always concern me. The Shack, by William P. Young is no exception.

When I began reading The Shack, the author captivated me with a compelling story that began by briefly outlining a tale of family violence and estrangement. Mack, the central character, left home at the age of thirteen after spending two days tied to a tree while being beaten by his father for telling the "family secret" to a church elder.

Mack adapted to life on his own quickly, and journeyed forward by "burying" his past. As an adult, he opened his heart to create a new loving family with his wife and children - only to have an unspeakable tragedy strike again - the kidnapping and murder of his six-year old daughter.

Young eloquently captures the human spirit in Mack's questioning of how God could allow such a tragedy to befall His innocent children. He further questions if he can open his heart and trust his Heavenly Father, when his human father hurt him so deeply.

The author held my interest with the mysterious letter from Papa (God) inviting Mack back to the shack where he experienced the darkest moment of his past; the shack where he discovered confirming evidence of his daughters murder. Was this a sick joke? A trap set by the murderer? Or, a message from God?

Once inside the shack however, the story took on a "New-Age" detour that offered Band-Aid type platitudes and simplistic catch-phrases, rather than surgery for the soul.

The author does share some "pearls of wisdom" - especially in the messages of God's love for His people. Much of what he says in this regard is true; however, he dismisses any notion that God is just, fair, or has any rules, laws, or expectations; when in fact, our God of the Bible is both loving and just.

Which leads me to forgiveness: Again, the author offers some "pearls of wisdom" in that forgiveness is not about excusing, forgetting, trusting, or even necessarily reconciliation. Nonetheless, the god of The Shack sidesteps any prerequisites such as confession, repentance, restitution, and justice (Luke 17:3 - Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive).

After more than a days worth of conversations with Papa (God), Jesus, and Sarayu (The Holy Spirit) on the general principles of love, Sarayu heals Mack's human eyes so that he can see as God sees. As Mack looks out over a sea of God's children in the form of beautiful color and light, he notices one agitated light. When Sarayu reveals that light as Mack's dead father, he runs to embrace him in joyous forgiveness and reconciliation.

A few chapters later, Mack repeats this "magical" sort of forgiveness for the man who murdered his daughter even though we see no evidence of Mack working to heal his loss or deal with the injustice. Further, the murderer was never identified, caught, or tried for his crime.

Yet, within the space of a short conversation with Papa (God), Mack traveled the emotional distance from his desire for revenge to forgiveness:

Papa to Mack: "...You already know what I want, don't you?" (Kindle version, location 3573)

"Papa," he cried, "how can I ever forgive that son of a bitch who killed my Missy. If he were here today, I don't know what I would do. I know it isn't right, but I want him to hurt like he hurt me...if I can't get justice I still want revenge." (Kindle version - location 3576)

After Papa and Mack engage in a discussion on the power and necessity of forgiveness, Mack says out loud:

"I forgive you. I forgive you . I forgive you." (Kindle version - location 3629)

Then, Mack asks, "So, is it all right if I'm still angry?"
Papa was quick to respond "Absolutely!..." (location 3634)

This sort of inauthentic forgiveness places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance." Additionally, it cheapens the journey for trauma survivors who have done the hard work to heal and possibly even forgive. (See Forgiveness and Abuse).

While it is true that forgiveness is evidenced by the love and grace of God, forgiveness requires our participation in the process. One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."

If we follow Christ's example, even Jesus expressed 27 verses of anger in Matthew 23:13-39 before going to the cross. If we hope to permanently forgive, expressing anger is an important part of the process. Additionally, it is interesting to note that Jesus did not utter the words, "I forgive you," Himself, but rather, He asked His Father who remained all powerful to forgive the unrepentant. ("Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34)

The true gift of forgiveness is in the spiritual and emotional growth we experience during an authentic healing process. God's power is truly fulfilled when the offender repents, the victim forgives, and both participate in the process. In the absence of repentance, forgiveness is not a requirement for someone who has been harmed, but can take place with adequate healing.

As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. Through it all, I have experienced proof of God's love for me. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.

Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It's not a bolt of light that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a slow transformational process. Hard earned life-lessons take a great deal of time and grueling work!

God doesn't promise to heal us by "magic," but rather invites us to trust that His Love and Grace will carry us through as we participate in our own healing journey.

Healing from Family Estrangement

Sometimes it seems like the soul-crushing pain of estrangement will hold on forever, and we ask, "How long will this pain last?"

Healing from my own family exile was a long journey, in part, because it was also necessary to heal from years of abuse. Each stage of my recovery brought new forms of discomfort that seemed as if they would never end.

Today, just like watching a flower grow on fast-forward film, I can see all the growth that was not perceptible at the time.

At first, I was numb from the shock. It seemed that no bandage was large enough to cover what felt like the amputation of a limb. Mark Sichel, author of Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off from a Family Member, describes this occurrence as "Acute Stress Disorder."

My embarrassment, and fear of judgment felt crippling. Yet, I knew that talking about the pain was essential for healing. Eventually, I took a risk and found safe, and supportive people to speak with.

I began the long process of healing and reconstructing a life without my family. I went back and forth through the typical stages of loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, before my real grief work began. My periods of deep mourning usually resulted in spurts of great emotional growth.

Nonetheless, I was disheartened every time the void created by the absence of my family would rear its heartbreaking head. I re-mourned my losses, and learned to accept that I'd always feel some degree of the void. I reminded myself of those who did love me, and thought about how grateful I was for the loving connections I had in my life.

I could measure my growth in terms of years. How was my emotional health compared to one year before? Five years before? And so on. Gauging my growth was a wonderful way to keep perspective on my healing.

After fourteen years of estrangement, I did reconcile with my family. Today, I can see the value of my estrangement. Time afforded me the opportunity to heal from my abuse within the safety of a protective cocoon. I learned to individuate from my mother - to make decisions based on what was best for me - and to parent myself. During my time apart from my family - I gained a better understanding of my family members, and our family dynamics - all viewed from a more healed and objective vantage point.

Part of healing is simply being present with the pain - accepting what is - and reinvesting in a new future.

Wishing everyone peace, love, hope, and healing.