As the Holidays Approach.......

...So too, does the stress of the season. When dealing with family estrangement, the holidays seem to illuminate our losses.

I recall the pain I felt as I watched other families gather together in what appeared to be loving harmony, or at least a sense of belonging. I felt ripped off! Throughout the first years of my family estrangement, I suffered through the holidays, and other significant events nursing my wounds, while I tried to cope with my feelings of exclusion and rejection.

After a few years of allowing myself the space to mourn my losses, I filled my holidays by honoring new connections.

If you are recently estranged, take heart that the pain of estrangement and that of dealing with the holidays does lessen with time. Mourning is a necessary part of the process. When we are done mourning the old, we make room for the new.

The following is a reprint of one of my very first posts:

Holiday Stress

The pain of family estrangement is often heightened during the holiday season. I clearly remember the anguish I experienced during the initial stages of my fourteen-year estrangement from my entire family of origin. The abrupt loss of my mother, three brothers, and grandparents - months before the holidays - left me paralyzed. The prospect of spending the holidays alone - without any family, or life-long traditions - seemed daunting. What would I do with my two young children? My therapist stated matter-of-factly, "You will create new holiday traditions."

This simple statement seemed like an impossible task.

The first year, I did nothing. I wrongly assumed someone would come to my rescue and invite my daughters and me for the holidays. The next year, I took matters into my own hands, and invited another family we had know for years, for Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They were happy to accept our invitation, because they didn't have any family in the area. This began an annual tradition that provided my children with a new "family of choice."

Granted, the first few years were still difficult. I continued to mourn for my family rather than to appreciate the people right in front of me; however, in time, I realized that I had built new traditions that were far more fun and loving than the old. I made sure my kids anticipated the same holiday activities each year - cookies, music, decorating, planning a menu, and performing community service. Community involvement gave us the sense of being a part of something bigger than we are.

Today, I look forward to the holidays with great excitement and we all look back over the years with warmth, and laughter, reminiscing about prior holidays and the fun we have had together.

My mother's sister is the only family member from whom I was not estranged. The second year of my estrangement, she began including my children and me in her annual Christmas Eve celebration, and has for every year since. I will be forever grateful for her love, support, and our shared history.

My circumstances taught me to appreciate the loving people who are in my life, and not to take my blessings for granted. I've learned through this experience not only to reflect on that for which I am grateful, but to express my words of appreciation to those who have enriched my life.

The Holidays can be the best - or worst time of year.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and the sharing of old, and new traditions!

Grandparents

Since there are many different reasons for estrangement, I feel conflicted about the issue of grandparents. Depending upon our situation - whether it's a grandchild missing a grandparent, a parent withholding their children, or a grandparent longing for a grandchild - the broken relationship pose's heartbreak.

In my own situation, my mother never showed any interest in my children; before, or after our estrangement. Although, even if she had, I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving them alone with her. When my daughters were little, this caused me a great deal of anguish. Since my father died when I was young, I mourned that my children would never know what it is like to have a loving grandparent.

I had such fond memories of my own grandmother that I was sad that my children would miss experiencing this important human relationship. However, my children did spend time with my grandmother. So much so that they thought she was their grandmother. This made it all the more difficult when my grandmother, whom we loved dearly, cut us out of her life for good. I couldn't understand how a loving grandmother could reject her grandchild and great-grandchildren.

In other words, I come from the perspective of longing for the grandparent relationship for myself and for my daughters, while my mother and grandmother did not want a relationship with their grandchildren.

I also understand when, in cases of abuse, a parent does not allow their children to see their grandparents. Many adult children are clear - certainly those who have experienced sexual abuse - that they don't want their own children left unattended with their parents. Yet, they often find themselves legally or emotionally embattled with their parents over visitation with their children.

Other families walk the fine line between wanting their children to receive the good their families have to offer, while guarding against harmful circumstances. Unfortunately, many of these families often find their children "in the middle." receiving confusing messages from both sides as to who was right, who was wrong and who is to blame for the estrangement.

And then there are grandparents who have been cut out of their children's and grandchildren's lives and they don't know why. They mourn for their children, the grandchildren they love, and the grandchildren they will never meet; precious time, never to be replaced. My heart breaks for these individuals as well. Although I haven't had this experience, I feel a shared empathy through the universal loss that comes with estrangement.

I've heard of many different circumstances causing a family cut off: intolerance, sexuality, choice of mate, In-laws, family dysfunction, abuse, etc. Usually, the cause of the rift has been building for years without adequate communication. Then, a single event "appears" to have caused the rift.

No matter which way you cut it - estrangements are painful stuff!

Book Give-Away - Closed

The Book Give-Away is now closed.

To those receiving copies, thank you for your interest and for sharing some of your stories with me!

I hope that you find Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation helpful on your journey!

Warm wishes,
Nancy

Book Give-Away

I wrote Heal and Forgive II for many of the same reasons I wrote Heal and Forgive. I sought to turn my negative experience into a positive by advocating for other individuals in similar circumstances. In that vein, I would like to give away 10 free copies of Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation, to the first 10 people who contact me.

You can reach me through the e-mail address on my profile page.

All my best,
Nancy

Birthday Gifts?

When it comes to family estrangement, people often wonder if they should send birthday gifts to their nieces, nephews, and/or grandchildren. We want to let our little loved ones know that we love them and that we are thinking about them. Yet, we wonder: Will their parents give the children these gifts? Will their parents become angry and lash out at me? Will I feel hurt at the outcome if I send this gift?

Sometimes, parents pass along gifts from estranged aunts, uncles, or grandparents. They may believe that their children would be comforted knowing that an estranged family member still loves them and thinks about them.

Other times, parents withhold the gifts. Sometimes, parents refuse gifts out of anger. This of course is very sad for everyone involved. Another reason parents withhold gifts is that they don't want to send their children confusing messages about the broken relationship or enter into a who is "right" and who is "wrong" discussion. They may not want to make their child sad or answer uncomfortable questions about why they don't see their aunt, uncle, or grandparent. Ultimately, it is up to the parent to decide what is in the best interest of their children.

I sent gifts to my nieces and nephews in the early years of my estrangement, knowing that they may very well never receive the gifts (they did not). Yet, I wanted my nieces and nephews to know that I loved them - even if from afar. I have found that the pain of estrangement can often give way to the power of living a life of love and integrity.

Enmeshment

According to sfhelp.org, the definition of enmeshment is:

In human relationships, this term means two or more people who don't have clear identities and boundaries (limits) that separate one person from the other. Thus an enmeshed person can't distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings, opinions, and priorities and yours.

Enmeshment was certainly present in my family of origin. Abusive families have a way of creating enmeshed family systems. It took years apart from my mother and a degree of healing that I never thought was possible in order to break free from my enmeshment.

I often hear from estranged adult children, "My parents aren't capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Why would I want a relationship under those circumstances?"

I get that. For many years, I felt that way too. Reconciling a relationship seemed like a return to my enmeshed (and abusive) family system.

For me, it took more than a decade of estrangement to heal enough to stand as a separate adult individual with a healthy indifference towards my mother's opinions, and needs; to protect my own well-being; to exercise great boundaries; to accept my mother just as she is; to give up any expectations of a normal mother-daughter sort of relationship, and to create a non-intimate friendship that is respectful of our differences. We simply share a history, and to me history is important.

After nearly two years of reconciliation, my mother and I are yet to know one another. She has never inquired about my life, such as how I spend my time, my interests, work, etc. and that is okay with me. I recognize that she is not my "safe place to fall," or someone with whom I can share anything of significance. We merely talk about old memories, current events, or her life.

My life hasn't really changed much from when we were estranged, but it feels better. I can move freely to and from family and social events without the negative strain of "being at odds, " or feeling rejected. I know my mother's inability to mother is about her - not about me.

I've made peace with the wounds of the past. I have "blasted through my mountain of pain" so that my abuse is a memory rather than a present reality. I no longer feel the "void" of estrangement or "lost" without a home.

Home is finally of my own making.

Reconciliation – Not Always an Option

During most of my fourteen year family estrangement, I considered reconciliation to be an impossible task. Given our family history of abuse, it didn't feel safe or healthy to try to reestablish contact with my family members. Nor did they try to contact me.

Certainly, in some situations, reconciliation isn’t possible. I know a woman who moved across the country, unlisted her phone number and started life anew only to have her violent family members track her down, stalk her, and interfere with her new job, friends and neighbors.

I have heard from other people who deeply desire a relationship with a parent or sibling, but they simply cannot put themselves in harms way for the sake of a connection. As painful as estrangement is, these individuals must somehow learn to live with a separation that feels like the “lesser of two evils.”

Many people do wish to reconcile with family members only to face repeated rejection.

It can be hard to accept that we only have control over our half of the relationship. At some point, the time comes to simply accept the cards we were dealt and move on to live the best life possible.