When Healthy Looks Crazy

Although we are reconciled, I'm still the black sheep in my family. I've always been "different."

Growing up I often heard, "Why do I always have this trouble with you Nancy? Only you- never the boys? The boys never complain about fill in the blank (being hit by your step-father, etc)."

The majority is always right - right? In civilized society this is generally true; there is a consensus on appropriate behavior.  But who decides in families? Unfortunately for those growing up in dysfunctional family systems - it is the dysfunctional  majority who decides what is appropriate - a crazy making scenario for the healthy few.


In other words, if a family as a group is only familiar with an unhealthy behavior - healthy looks "crazy."  I call this "Island Thinking" - thinking that only holds true on the family island.

For example, a big part of adulthood is being able to take care of oneself.  In order to take care of ourselves and maintain our self-esteem, we must keep good boundaries.  But what if you grow up in a family without healthy boundaries?  If parents don't model healthy boundaries, their children don't even know healthy boundaries exist let alone how to exercise or honor this basic measure of self care.

If and when one family member does learn about self-care and begins exercising boundaries, this healthy behavior looks so foreign to the family who has never seen family boundaries that they all agree that the boundary setter is behaving "crazy."

Being punished for healthy behavior can feel "crazy making," especially as a child.  But understanding "why" healthy can look crazy can make the experience feel less crazy making. 

I still choose to set healthy boundaries even when my family thinks I'm crazy. I am constantly striving to balance receiving the good that comes with family with rejecting that which is harmful to me.

Return to Blogging

I haven't blogged for some time.  I felt like I had exhausted everything I had to say about estrangement and reconciliation.

I am grateful that my blog has been helpful to many people dealing with the pain of estrangement. I want to say thank you to all of you who have continued to reach out to me through blog comments and email even though I haven't blogged consistently for four years. It is comforting to know that the sharing of my journey has helped others.

For the last eight years I have been navigating my family reconciliation.  I must say, reconciliation is very hard and very delicate work.  Reuniting with my family has had some major rewards, enabled continued growth, as well as some pain.  Overall, it has been worthwhile.  Yet, dysfunctional families, don't become functional just because there is reconciliation.  All the dysfunction still exists; the challenge is the response.  I must keep good boundaries, continue to work hard, and bask in the rewards when they come my way.

I thought I would write a few posts at this point on issues that I/we still struggle with as well as what makes our reconciliation worthwhile.

Taking Care of Oneself

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

-Buddha

I heard this quote on NPR this morning and it was a good reminder for me. No matter how much I heal, I always need to remember to exercise as much compassion for myself, as I do for others.

Why Heal and Forgive?

For decades, I heard from friends, relatives, therapists, and fellow Christians, that I needed to forgive my abusers in order to heal. This advice - and the attempts I made to forgive before I'd learned to exercise personal boundaries - left me open to further injury and damaged me deeply.

When I finally mustered the courage to buck societal expectations; not to forgive; and to put my own healing and well-being first, I achieved a level of healing that I never thought was possible. My period of NOT forgiving created the space necessary to achieve the greatest emotional growth of my life. Wow!

The unintentional by-product of this healing, was - ironically - forgiveness.

At that time, I realized that the old adage, "Forgive and Heal," was backwards. For me, it was "Heal and Forgive!"

If I only knew then that adequate healing had to come first, it would have saved me a great deal of time and pain. So, now I shout it from the roof tops, "Heal first, THEN Forgive!"

Vietnamese Translation

I am excited to announce that Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse is available in Vietnamese. Yay!

Heal and Forgive was Published by arrangement with the original publisher, Blue Dolphin Publishing. The Vietnamese translation was Copyrighted © 2009 by Thai Ha Books JSC.

See translation info here.

THANK YOU!!

Thank you, to all those who have written to me since my last post. I enjoy receiving your blog comments, private e-mails, personal stories, and discussions on various survivor topics.

I am very grateful that so many people have taken the time to let me know that the sharing of my experience has been helpful to them.

The bulk of my healing process occurred prior to the advent of the internet. I didn't know any other abuse and/or estrangement survivors. Actually, I never even heard the term "child abuse" until I was in my twenties. Further, when I became estranged (and for a great deal of time afterword), I had never heard of family estrangement. Given my isolation from other survivor's, I didn't have anyone to help "pave the way," validate my experiences, or to tell me that given my experiences, my feelings were "normal." It was a painful and lonely way to live.

After decades of healing through "trial and error," I became passionate about easing the way for other survivors by trying to offer the sort of support, validation and guidance, I had longed for over the years. None-the-less, it was terrifying to expose the intimate details of my psyche by writing my books. Whenever I receive a letter letting me know that my words have made a difference, it makes it all worth while.

Quite often, I hear from Christian survivors who feel guilty about their perceived obligation to forgive a chronic abuser, which is superseded by their inability to forgive.

A common source driving their sense of obligation stems from the following verses:

Matthew 6:14-15 KJV For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:21-22 KJV Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

A Christian reader just sent me an interesting link on this topic titled "Should I offer forgiveness without repentance," from rbc ministries (the publishers of "Our Daily Bread").

Excerpted:

Unconditional forgiveness is canceling a debt to all those who intentionally offend us, whether or not they own up to what they have done. Offering forgiveness without repentance, however, does not follow the biblical model of forgiveness (Luke 17:3,4).

The Bible says that we are to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). God forgives us when we repent (Mark 1:15, Luke 13:3,5, Acts 3:19). He does not grant forgiveness to those of us who are stiff-necked and refuse to repent. We must recognize our sin and repent to receive and enjoy God's merciful forgiveness. God requires repentance and so must we.

Repentance is important because it's a person's only hope for real change (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don't admit our sin, it's impossible to be transformed. If we aren't keenly aware of the sinful direction our lives are going, we will not see a need to adjust the direction. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior.

To read the entire article, visit rbc ministries HERE.

Hello Again....

.....kind of.

Well, for the last couple of months I have been busy working on my house. It has been a great deal of hard work, and fun!

Every now and again, I receive a comment/question on one of my prior posts. Thank you!!! I am always happy to respond, reminding myself that I am still connected to the abuse/estrangement survivor community.

I keep thinking I should hop on and write a post, but never seem to get around to it. Up until a couple of months ago, I posted extensively on the various issues I encountered on my healing journey. Whenever someone writes to me with a question, or, to share their experience, I find that I can direct them to a post I've already written on the topic.

My family and I have been reconciled for over three years now and although I still have a great deal of empathy for the abuse recovery and/or estrangement experience, it is no longer a part of my everyday life. Therefore, I really don't have anything new to post.

As a survivor, I'm sure new issues will come up from time to time, and when they do, I will share my experience. Until then, feel free to peruse my older posts and/or to contact me. I'm always happy to lend my support.

Blessings,
Nancy