Filling the Void

As an abused child and later as an adult, I spent most of my life navigating a relationship with my mother, waiting for the day she would love and nurture me. Even after our estrangement, I lived with the hopeful longing that she would open her arms and be my mother.

There was a "void" in my heart where a mother should be. After time, I stopped longing for "my" mother and began to long for "a" mother.

As more time passed, I realized that the only person who could love me the way I wanted to be loved - was me.

The void I was feeling was more than just the absence of my mother, it was also the absence of my own internal mother.

No parent can do a perfect job; therefore, everyone needs to learn to parent certain parts of themselves. The difference for me was, whereas most people have much of their internal parent placed within them by the loving actions of their own parent, an abuse survivor, needs to internalize a parent largely on their own.

Looking inward rather than outward helped to fill the void. By the time I did reconcile with my mother, I no longer needed the nurturing she couldn't provide. For the first time in my life, I was able to stand before her - no longer a damaged child - but rather a strong, confident, quietly powerful woman!